2022 AUG 3

i got my eyebrow dermals removed today because neither of them wanted to sit nicely and were tilting a bit. but there was scar tissue grown through the well-seated sides so i got to hear that tear when they were taken out :D it didn't really hurt but it felt very weird and unpleasant mentally to hear my own skin tear. and i kept the dermal anchors and tops and they've got blood and skin chunks on them. exciting souvenier. i will probably put them in some 70% isopropyl alcohol so the organic matter doesn't get nasty and weird.
and my lyft driver on the way home- talked to me a bit about the piercing place i was picked up from- then said "sorry i'm new to this did i offend you by calling you ma'am" sounding definitely sincere, and. god. i don't know what to do really every time some shit like that happens- random cis people clock me and wanna talk to me about it and especially since the Great Pronoun Discourse of Tumblr they all wanna talk to me about what gendered words and shit to call me. i mean it's kind of funny but also, like, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ????? also i know you're only asking me because i look like i have Pronouns or since i'm on hrt now i have ambiguous sex characteristics/ a voice that doesn't sound like a cis woman's, or female, or however you want to describe it.
anyways i said something like "nah it's fine i don't really care what random strangers call me, cause they don't know me" and he said "oh okay" ... "thanks" which was also funny lmao i don't know. i don't think getting outwardly mad at random people misgendering me really helps anything because like, i mean, how is anyone supposed to fuckin know i wanna be called it and bug anyways ? and also i don't know what all these random people even know about gender or transness and if they don't know anything about it, i can't be mad at them for just like, not knowing, and calling me she because of my sex characteristics because that's what everyone's taught from birth. and i just, like, realistically don't care that much about how strangers or people i'm not really close with or wanting to be close with perceive me and my gender because it feels like it doesn't really matter anyways... we're not interacting much and we're not really close so it's not like, the social roles of gender really have much effect on how they interact with me

2022 AUG 3

i made a tester of a wintercroft paper goat mask recently and i think it turned out nicely. i've always liked masks and i'd love to make my own, of original design, at some point- i just haven't been doing non-digital work for a while and designing new things is hard. sometimes it's nice to just follow someone else's instructions.
at some point i want to make a nice one- this one was just printer paper- and have it be like. neon pink or something. and make an outfit for it and take weird pictures or something.
honestly i wish it was allowed to wear masks and other weird "costumey" shit in public but i already get stared at and interacted with too much for having green hair and other body mods so i don't wanna do that too. i think people assume i do this weird shit with my body for attention but 1 gender 2 social anxiety so severe it's a personality disorder (avoidant pd) 3 i do not believe other people perceive me unless they are directly interacting with me. i am not real !!!!!!! no one sees me !!!!!!!!!!! that's why i can look like a freak, it doesn't matter because i'm not being seen

2022 AUG 1

i do not post for attention. i do it for no reason
anyways maybe i'm just insane but i always see patterns in my life, flipping between opposites like a sine wave until maybe it becomes less extreme and flattens out, eventually. i've felt this way since i was a small child and i know i am 1 insane 2 someone with overactive pattern recognition, but i still sometimes try to use it to predict or plan things in my life. the current one is that i've flipped from making art for others and for marketability and making a living, to making art entirely for myself that is very un-marketable and not for sale and especially with my noneisdreaming website- art that i am keeping to myself because it is for myself and myself only.
when i was selling art it was because i couldn't hold a "normal" job and i was trying to make a living that way- honestly shit sucked ass. it made making art not fun and when you're not paid by the hour you're paid by how much stuff you can make that people will wanna buy before your next event, it made me feel like i had to be constantly "working" and that if i was making something for myself or something unlikely to sell i was losing money/ wasting time. to spend time on something on something entirely self-indulgent now- without having to worry about making money off it to continue having food and housing- is very nice.
returning to the fluctuation pattern- i think, also, in this current phase some contrasts are that my art now is entirely digital and online, whereas before it was all tangible, 3d (amigurumi) and i did try to put it online but i am not good at "product photography" so it never did well there. it had to be seen in person and touched to really experience it, and my art now- is only an online experience. i also was trying real hard to have a normie small business branded online social media presence across several platforms and now i'm trying to get rid of all my social medias cause i hate them.

2022 JULY 29

i cooked chicken all by myself today for the first time ever. i am 27 years old. everyone say good job u fuckin idiot
what i have learned for how to cook chicken breast: rub seasonings on both sides. heat up some type of oil in a pan. cook both sides 4-8 mins til browned, if ur fancy put a thermometer in it to see if its got to 165F, if ur not fancy cut into the thickest part and make sure its not pink.
food has always been difficult for me for various reasons you could call "disordered eating" but none of it is about my weight or health so i don't call it that. its also hard because depression and at worst i can't even microwave things, i need the only steps to be 1 open package 2 put food in mouth. i never really learned how to cook and i have never had a comfortable space- mentally or physically- to learn in, so, i'm late to the party. but im getting there !!!! im doing it !!!!!!!!!!!! i also sort of recently learned frozen vegetables can be very easily cooked by just putting them in the microwave with no added anything. i really wish i'd known that when i started living by myself cause maybe i wouldntve just eaten like, snacks. and ramen. all the time

2022 JULY 27

i sometimes think about having a surface design job because my lifelong art love is textiles and i have a bfa in textile design, but, my drawing skills are just okay and i suck at CAD programs which are basically necessary for any art job now, especially adobe photoshop and illustrator. photoshop i can do some things in, but both programs have way too many buttons and i dont know what any of them are supposed to do. doing non-computer things is so much easier to me because if i wanna draw a line, i just pick up a pencil. and draw a line. but on a computer its like, which one is the pencil button ? what color am i set to right now ? what brush is it on ? whats the brush size ? opacity ? that brush settings window with like 9 tabs and a bunch of sliders and checkboxes ? what layer am i on ? is pen pressure on or off ? like, just. too many things. for Drawing A Line
but surface design is one of them fancy jobs where i could make ~good money~ and i have a college degree that technically qualifies me for it, at least sort of, so it's something i keep coming back to. i need to practice drawing and gouache and watercolors but idk 2d art is just really boring to me. i think because there's nothing to go on, its just a completely blank page, so i'm like. theres nothing here. this is boring. what am i supposed to be doing here
i really really like 70s surface design though, so, maybe i just need to do psychedelics and look at 70s wallpaper and watch giallos while laying on some shag carpet and surround myself with painting and drawing supplies and it'll come to me. one can only hope.

2022 JULY 16

still working on my "none is dreaming" website, the way its designed all the url's make sentences like "none is dreaming of angels" or whatever which is how i wanted it from the start, but, it means i have to make titles for every page and i'm not great at naming things (if you couldnt tell by my name being none,, haha,,,,,, anyways)

2022 JULY 14

the other day i found probably the only pre-t recording of my voice so i made a before/ after video :D after is about a year on testosterone.

voice change was the one thing i really wanted out of hormones so i'm pretty happy i got the genetics for it. i don't know my bio dad so i didn't really know what i'd get from this.
taking t was something i was always on the fence about and leaned against doing, and even now i'm not sure if it's gonna be permanent for me. now that i've got voice change, and i can use minoxidil for added facial hair growth, i've lowered my dose to 20mg injections weekly. ideally i could be selective about what hormone effects i get but science isn't there yet so i'm going with low dose t for now.

2022 JULY 14

firstly, importantly: its gender census time, babey B) its an informal survey of anyone who isnt strictly either man or woman. and its an opportunity for me to promote my made-up gender- teratogender- which is, basically, monster/ creature/ non-human entity gender. i should make a zine or something about it but whatever. anyways do the gender census especially if you're teratogender so i can be validated in inventing another fake gender >:)
in other news, i've been adding people's buttons to my around the web page and unfollowing them on neocities because any sort of notification or feed based thing stresses me the fuck out. the small handful of websites i still follow that dont seem to have a button i may just bookmark.
its not as instantaneous and it's more of a gamble, but checking a page to see if it's updated every now and again is much nicer and less stressful than feed based things. even if everything is the same it's like visiting a familiar place. with personal sites i usually don't know what the hell anyone is talking about especially any fandom or game based stuff, but it's still like, aw hey theres that lil dude again :) and even if i don't really absorb much of anything there it's nice to just exist in someone else's space. like diverse stimulation. if left to my own devices i will end up doing the same things forever and sometimes- even if it's not something i Enjoy- i need to exist in someone else's world for a little while so i can experience some variety.

2022 JULY 8

i bought a copy of "the woman in the wall" a while ago and reread it- it was a book i liked a lot as a kid but reading it now i'm like, what the fuck actually. it is a fantasy book so it doesnt really need to make sense- this 7 year old girl has intense agoraphobia, she's so small and bland looking that people don't see her, she refuses to go to school by sectioning off parts of her parents giant house with her carpenting skills and hides there til she's 14. which all is like, a lot of suspension of disbelief. really what gets me now is that she gets letters from a guy and develops a crush on him and then that's what cures her agoraphobia and makes her come out of the walls after Seven Years. and it says something like "he was a man, which meant i was a woman" bro what. also yall are 14 you are not "men" or "women" you are barely teenaged children.
its funny re-reading or watching things as an adult and seeing all the stupid things in it i ignored as a kid. i really liked it at the time because i was also an intensely shy and anti social child who wanted to construct my own private living space and care for myself alone and be entirely self sustaining. so i was like "wow this book is great she can do carpenting and sewing and cooking super well and she completely cares for herself i would love to do that"
unfortunately some things do not hold up. i think roald dahl books are still good though.

2022 JUNE 28

trying to purge social media and any app based socialization because it all stresses me the hell out. i deleted my facebook i had for 12 years. or, set it to "start the deletion process in 30 days" because that's what they do now. just in case i want to go reactivate it. i really do not. i unfollowed most people on twitter, i deleted instagram from my phone and only rarely check it on my laptop, i have bookmarked websites or social media or whatever of a lot of artists i follow.
i don't know where i read it but- most friendships or casual social relationships are just because of proximity- showing up in the same spaces. i freak myself out with deleting social media because "what about these people i would lose contact with" but, like, if i can't somehow find another method of contact... i don't really feel like the relationship was that significant to me anyways. and every time i have deleted or abandoned a social media, because i am adhd and forget things exist if i dont regularly see them- i don't get sad about "losing" those relationships anyways.
the worst stressor for me is that it all facilitates constant checking behaviors- which i already have issues with, and an ongoing hypervigilance of "what if theres Something that Happened", and, unlike with phone/ voice chat/ in person social interactions- there is no given beginning or end. it is a constant, ongoing Task in my head to go do something with it, or see if something needs to be done with it. it isn't something i can start, complete, end, and then stop thinking about. which- is what leads to the addiction and obsessive checking.
sometimes even having this blog section stresses me out, but, more in a- maybe it's a bad idea to post this here ? kind of way, which... doesn't make any fucking sense considering i post the same or "worse" to social media all the time. and in a blog format it is easier for readers to opt into what i am saying, and disengage at any time. i often go back and forth on keeping this here at all. i mostly keep it so i have somewhere to link the bean page. if i ever figure out somewhere else to put that i may end up deleting the blog page.

2022 JUNE 23

i am walking. i am working. i am transgendering
i haven't added anything to this site in a while, i've just been working on my secret(?) website "none is dreaming" which, i am not sure if i will link publicly, ever. if you really wanted to you could probably find it but why look for a website deemed secret by its creator ? i've been posting screenshots to my twitter and i will probably put them up here at some point. some pages i don't think get the ~full experience~ if you can't interact with them- sometimes highlighting or hovering is necessary to see certain things- but i did that to myself by making a secret website. so. whatever
in other news i am trying again to change my legal name. i didn't get rejected the first time i'm just adhd and never followed through. doesn't help that the process to change your legal name (unrelated to marriage/ divorce) in north carolina is fucking insane- i have to get fingerprinted, get a state and federal background check, have 2 non-family residents of my county fill out affidavits of character, post a notice of intent for 10 business days in the courthouse, and then bring 9 total documents 4 of which must be notarized plus a filing fee in form of certified check or money order and a self addressed stamped envelope. and then maybe i have to go do a court hearing. and if i get rejected i can appeal in 30 days and if i get rejected again i can try again in a year, with a different name, and if i get rejected that time i can't try again ever in the state of north carolina. this is definitely very normal. if this fails i'm moving to virginia because i'd only have to live there 6 months and then fill out 1 form and they basically don't reject anything unless you're trying to copy a celebrity's name or something else purposefully weird and confusing. which arguably making my name "none" is, but like. whatever. im nonbinary/ xenogender/ teratogender i do what i want
if ur also in nc trying to change ur name god help u and here's a google doc about it someone on lex sent me. cannot completely verify validity as i have not submitted anything yet but it looks reasonably correct from what else i've researched

2022 MAY 21

downloaded instagram and tiktok again after trying to be on social media less. god help me
i've been opening .raw files in irfanviewer, just trying different settings, to get glitched images. been making a google doc noting results and how i got them. will probly share it here under how its made at some point.
i havent done any fiber art in a while and i'm kinda sad about it but all my knit n crochet shit is in my storage unit and i'm trying to move... soonish...??? whenever i can walk well enough to do that, so, getting stuff out of my storage unit doesn't really make sense right now. hence doing mostly glitch and collage and web design right now. kinda funny to me i'm an artist which people default assume means i draw but i like doing just about everything except that.

2022 MAY 14

broken leg update: now allowed to walk normal however i walk with a limp and can only walk an hour at most before Pain. my boss is gonna be upset i won't be able to go back to work but lol fuck em, fuck work
i've been trying manually glitching images with wordpad and audacity, as opposed to usual online image glitcher. getting interesting results. so far only .raw files don't break immediately. still working on secret website. no idea when it'll be linked publicly, for now it's just gonna be cryptically mentioned in this blog.
also added bean page link to the blog sidebar... a while ago... click thru for cat pics

2022 APR 11

crying about 70s surface design because i found out about vintage wallpapers dot com. 70s florals and geometrics... and just all 70s interior decor... amazing. i want intensely patterned wallpaper and a "conversation pit" to do a bunch of drugs in. also makes me want to practice surface design more. i took a class on it in art school but was super depressed and didnt accomplish much, also my drawing skills are kind of crap and i had very little understanding of adobe photoshop. i'm hoping one day i can make myself learn adobe illustrator :') adobe programs have so many buttons and idk what any of them do...

2022 APR 7

ok i'm allowed to do 50% weight bearing on my broken leg... basically standing normal and walking while leaning on walker a bit when i'm on my right leg. and if that goes alright and i get to a point its not really painful i can switch to 100% weight bearing/ normal walking. progress !!! being stuck in my apartment sucks !!! no idea when i can return to work tho, my physical therapist said i cant lift like, 50 pounds type weight whenever i'm allowed to walk normal again which i need to do for my job. not really sad about that considering work sucks lmao, but my boss will be disappointed

2022 APR 7

been working on a secret webpage for a while, basically an experimental art piece. not super interactive bc i cant get myself to learn javascript but there's a lot of paths/ subpages to go through. nowhere near done tho... no idea when it will be. but im excited for it >:) i've been making a lot of graphics and cursors for it. plus side of taking and keeping 500000 images is i can go thru my hard drive for stuff to manipulate/ make assets with.
and i see my surgeon today, fingers crossed i can start walking ToT

2022 APR 2

i'm getting seasonal allergies and i hate it. i haven't had this since i was like, 13. fortunately an anti-anxiety med i take is also an anti-histamine and i think it's helping. unfortunately i can't leave my window open :') it was the closest thing i got to going outside while my leg is broken.
i deactivated my patreon for the 2nd time cause i made $9 monthly and had 2 subs, so it just seemed like a waste of time. every time i've tried to make money off my art online it's gone abysmally bad lmao, even though i've been told since i was in like high school that i should "sell my art on etsy" or whatever. i think i should just stick to making art for myself, and maaaybe go back to selling at anime n comic cons whenever covid isn't an issue. so like. probably 5 years from now lmao
i see my surgeon next week and really hope i'll be cleared to walk enough that i can go outside without a walker. going on walks is probably my healthiest coping mechanism and not being able to do it has meant even more social media addiction-scrolling and staring at the wall, though i'm trying to replace that with experiencing other people's art and making my own. semi-succesful.

2022 MAR 24

it's 1am and i am very tired but i have updated all my pages to flexboxes instead of tables, except for my pixel art section cause i can't figure out how to align it like it currently is with flexboxes. anyways. everything is significantly easier to update now. feel free to look at my code if you want.
i also now feel like i have actually learned some code instead of just copy-pasting shit from google searches and fucking around until it looks like i want it to. progress ! also added some stuff to drawing, collage, and my around the web artists section.
in personal news i have learned the magic of microwaving box cake and brownie mix. i mix it up as directed, fill a small bowl about 1/3 full and microwave a minute n a half or 2. it turns out pretty good. i refrigerate the leftover, and i can have hot brownie + ice cream whenever i want without having to cook a whole pan. i've also done gingerbread cake, i need to buy powdered sugar to put on top. stuff like this is useful when cooking for one and i don't eat a whole lot... i always feel bad having to dump half a pan of cake because it went moldy before i ate it all.
broken leg healing is also going well. in just a week of home physical therapy exercises i doubled my ankle dorsiflexion. can't wait to walk again cause hopping around on 1 leg or with a walker is a pain in the ass :')

2022 MAR 21

/lying face down on the floor/ i finally read an entire w3schools page- on flexbox- and have got a way to make my portfolio pages much easier to update n with simpler code. so far i've just been copy-pasting code bits to put something together, its a mess
right now only my amigurumi page is updated to it, writing and rewriting code is tedious. though i am a fiber artist so i like tedious.
i've also been re-organizing files, actually using folders, and formatting a lot of images to smaller sizes and gif's so hopefully pages won't need to be refreshed to show every image now.
in other exciting news i submitted a johnvertisement, and i have it added to my around the web page. refresh for a new one and maybe you'll see mine.

2022 MAR 18

new laptop arrived >:3 surface pro 6 with 16gb ram to replace my surface pro 4 with only 4gb ram. i finished some buttons n other stuff, will post to patreon/ here soon.
and shoutout to y2kid's page on downloading, rly helped out as a young millenial who didnt have much internet access in the age of limewire and other pre-streaming services and never figured out how to safely download stuff lmao
also !!! i got my own url now !! none.monster-- noneunbecoming.neocities.org still works as far as i can tell but none.monster is hopefully what i will be using long term, and can continue to use beyond neocities.

2022 MAR 17

bought a new laptop on ebay because my current one has 4gb ram and can't run photoshop any more :l impatiently waiting for it to arrive at my po box so i can finish some stuff.

2022 MAR 9

started physical therapy for my leg today. the guy said i broke my leg "pretty impressively". go big or go home.
getting around by myself isn't too hard now, and a lady at the physical therapy place said her husband was very impressed by my speed on a walker.
i went to the grocery store today and got sir, ma'am? sir? by an employee. i've only been on hrt since june 2021 but i've been getting mostly sir'd in public for a while, which, is mostly funny to me, cause i figured i'd never pass as a man being 5'3" and pretty pear shaped. i don't really care what strangers call me so it's never been a transition goal to pass as anything in particular, but it's interesting to see how my publicly perceived sex/ gender changes.
i actually did draw something the other day- myself from a figure reference photo. i'm not sure if i'll post it because it's just sketchy/ unfinished, but probably will on patreon. considering making a miscellaneous/ scraps tab in my portfolio tab but i don't know if making too many things under that section would be bad ? idk. anyways. figure drawing from life is the only kind of drawing i really like doing and that i think ever turns out decently but i never know how to make it look finished. in general i'm not really good at drawing, but that's cause i don't do it, which is cause i don't like doing it.
since i can get around better now and don't have to keep my foot elevated any more i might be able to work on some art shit ?? idk yet. don't expect anything from me.

2022 FEB 28

hello everyone, i'm trying out a blog on my website. not sure if it'll stay up.
personal event of note- i broke my leg in an electric scooter accident on the 16th. got to the er asap and got surgery the next day, i'm out of work for an unknown amount of time but i'm applying for short term disability pay through some benefit i get from my job.
kinda sucks to be stuck on bedrest and mostly stuck in my apartment- i live up 2 flights of stairs and need someone to take my walker up and down them for me- but it's also kinda nice to have a lengthy break from my job where things lined up that i won't have to worry about income too much. and whenever i can go back to work i'll be on light duty til i'm cleared to walk all day and lift heavy shit so i can ease back into it.
with regards to art stuff- i dunno. not much exciting lately. before i broke my leg i was close to moving in to a bigger room where i could probably keep the full range of art supply crap i own, but now with this broken leg i have no idea when that could happen. being on bedrest, and all my knit/ crochet supplies still in my storage unit, i can basically only do computer-based stuff. i mean, i could draw, but what kinda freak draws ?
i've been wanting to make cut-paste zines again but moving my huge old printer around seems impossible with the mobility aid i have, and it's a bit difficult to do anything messy or with small, lose-able pieces when i have to stay laying with my foot elevated. i might try digital collage, if i can figure out how to medicate my adhd without side effects. i'm stuck in the adhd mode of "can't pay attention to shit, even shit i actually like, without external structure or time constraints".
anyways. i'm bad at ending things. thanks for reading ?